It's been a long, long time since I last posted anything significant. Was getting kinda freaked out how everyone was linking my blog. I'm like " oh my gawd ! People are reading, I gotta stop " . I don't know why I have this tendency to not share things with people, especially about myself. Scared of getting hurt ? Maybe. I guess I feel like I'm giving a piece of me away every time I share something about myself, makes me feel more vulnerable, makes me feel like it should only be shared with people I can trust it with. Yes i know I have trust issues. No need to point out stuff I already know. Lol.

But, recently , I've decided I'm going to try to change. I'm going to stop building all these walls around myself. Walls that keep people away and from me being hurt, but also walls that keep people that care about me away. And what about my obsession of controlling everything around me and destroying everything good I have? Well, it wont go away in one night but I'm trying. I am. Promise.

So I've also decided to be content with who I am . I'm now at peace with myself. I no longer hate who and what I am and how I feel. I don't really care anymore about the people who only can judge others but cannot see past their own opinions, ideas and perspectives without taking into account those of others. No! I will not let anyone judge my lifestyle ! Because, well it's my life and I get to do whatever the hell I want with it. You don't get to say what I should or should not feel. ( this sounds like I'm pissed off , well , I'm not. Just very determined )

I also realized that I am a very lucky person. I have almost everything I want right now. I just have to work on trying not to sabotage it.

It was my last GT the other day. Its been a crazy, hectic life I've been living since I was elected president. Heck, it's been crazy since I joined AIESEC. But, I never regretted one second of it. I've had many doubts about myself over the years, but never did I doubt what this awesome organization can do for me( 5 minutes advertisement break ) If you have no idea what I'm talking about go to http://www.aiesec.org/ to check it out.

There were times when I doubted my ability to lead an organization like this .The reality that if we don't do it right this time, there might never be a next time loomed around me all the time. It made feel depressed and scared. Scared that I’m going to fail everyone that trust me to do this. Scared that I would fail my EB team who works so hard. It felt like I was carrying such a heavy burden and I didn't know whether I could put it down.

The last GT washed away all my doubts. I can now breathe a bit more easily. Yes there is a lot to do before my term officially ends. But I don't need to worry anymore because we did right. I did right. Finally.

And I am so amazed and proud of the kids. I guess many of you were waiting for me to cry or something like that. Well I don't cry unless I'm really, really frustrated or depressed. I was neither that day. I was proud and happy. I don't know how to express what I felt that night but I guess proud and happy is an understatement. I was absolutely blown away. I never, in my wildest dreams thought that what I say can make such a big difference in someone else’s life. I still don't know and don't understand why it would but I guess I'm going to be more responsible about the things I say and to whom. The sugar cubes I received mean so much to me! Wahhh ! And the present that I got after was so sweet and thoughtful. I know for a fact that I'm the luckiest LCP in Malaysia to have such a great bunch of kids !

So, yes, I didn't cry. Not because I didn't appreciate it but because I was too overwhelmed. I didn't cry because I know that despite it being almost the end of my term , it is a new beginning for AIESEC in USM. A beginning to an awesome future and I know it is in good hands. Maybe even better than mine.

I feel so loved and I'm lucky to have all these people in my life (of course not forgetting my brother and mother).But sometimes, I still feel alone. Like I need to walk through this alone, doomed to never fully able to understand and love another. I feel empty inside. Why can I feel for everyone else except for myself? Am I cold and unfeeling? I don't know, not yet. Maybe the first step is to stop trying to solve the mystery of life and just concentrate on living it every day.