A friend of mine called me an emotional flasher. She says I'm all warm on the outside, I let people see what they want to see and when those poor, silly people get lured in, I close up and refuse to let anyone in ( basically "tutup kedai" )

Am I ? I guess I am. So I'm going to say the things I need to say here since I don't know how to say it in person.


To the people I love and cherish ( you know who you are la, no need to mention names),

I just wanted to say thank you. I know I can be difficult, stubborn, mean and cold at times but you still stick by me through everything. I don't say what I actually feel because I don't know how to but still you seem to know every thought and emotion going through me (are you psychic? )

Trust doesn't come easily to me but I trust you with all my heart. I'm not afraid when I'm with you and I can truly be myself. That is indeed a rare occasion. I do not have to worry about being judged on the decisions I make in my life. I can admit my deepest secrets ( which I have never done until recently) and start accepting myself. You have set me free from my self made bonds. Maybe at last I can start healing.

Nonetheless, I do not trust myself. I fear that I might hurt you. That I might turn my self-destructive pattern on you and push you away.When I feel like I care too much I pull away, when I feel threatened I retaliate, when I'm insecure I belittle and when I love someone I try to put them in a box. I hope that never happens. I try very hard everyday to make sure it does not.But if it does, I ask for your forgiveness and your understanding.