Suddenly I See

Thoughts

2011-02-16T13:20:00.004+08:00

I'm fine. I just break sometimes. Just understand that if I break, I'm breaking for you.

You try so hard to be the person everyone wants you to be. Maybe you should just be the person you want to be.

It may have just been a moment to you, but it changed every single one that followed for me.

The little things you forget, kill me.

You can join the millions talking in the dark. Or you can stand up and scream light, out into the night.

I just need you to be able to tell people I was here, I felt, I lived and I loved as much as I could, while I could. And that the person that I loved, was you.

Scare the world: Be exactly who you say you are and tell the truth.

Sometimes..

2011-01-11T10:17:00.003+08:00

If you're in a relationship, sometimes you probably feel like you're fighting a caged death-match with an invisible spider monkey. And the monkey is rabid. And you don't have any legs. And then a buffalo jumps in there and starts head-butting everything and your face catches on fire and there is a general atmosphere of chaos. -Julie-

2010-08-13T08:28:00.000+08:00

En suthum bhoomi nee dhaan endru sutha maatten
Annal nee ennai marandhal mattum, Uyirai viduven

2010-07-06T16:23:00.001+08:00

uyire unnai unnai endhan
vaazhkai thunayaaga
erkindren erkindren
inimel puyal, veyil, mazhai,
paalai, solai ivai ondraaga kadappome

2010-06-10T14:51:00.002+08:00

Darimu, kutemukan hidupku
Bagiku, kau lah cinta sejati

Apakan dayaku

hidup ini tidak mengizinkan

AKan kujadikan kau kenangan
Yang terindah dalam hidupku

My new favorite songs

2010-05-14T12:07:00.001+08:00

Something to remember...for always

2010-04-25T13:01:00.003+08:00

Took a walk last night. Looked at the stars and the quietness of the night and I thought of how beautiful and perfect everything is and that I love you. -RS-

2010-04-25T12:59:00.001+08:00

A lil note I found in my Inbox today

2010-03-11T10:15:00.000+08:00

"True Love is one of the rarest jewels of life, treasure it with all your heart. When you find someone who loves you just as you are, is steadfast during moments of stress, willing to grow with you and allows you to feel however you choose to feel in any moment - there is nothing more you will ever find in a person. You've found True Love when you feel fear; fear of vulnerability, fear of abandonment and fear of letting go of your own stubborn egoic patterns that keep the real you separate and safe from the other. Trust in love and go towards your fear, taking this leap of faith in every moment is the journey Love requires for its sweet reward."

- Mastin Kipp, founder of TDL.

2009-12-28T11:22:00.003+08:00

DJ Tiesto - Feel It In My Bones lyrics

Blow by blow, I didn't see it coming
Blow by blow, sucker punch
Rushes in, here to stay
Rushes in, you are here to stay
What rushes into my heart and my skull
I can't control, think about it
Feel it in my bones
What rushes into my heart and my skull
I can't control

Chorus
I feel you in my bones
You're knocking at my windows
You're slow to lettin me go
And I know this feeling oh, so
This feeling in my bones

Left hook, I didn't see it comin
Left hook, you've got dead aim
Rushes out, run away
Rushes out, you always run away
What rushes into my heart and my skull
I can't control, think about it
Feel it in my bones
What rushes into my heart and my skull
I can't control

Chorus
I feel you in my bones
You're knocking at my windows
You're slow to letting me go
And I know this feeling oh, so
This feeling in my bones

I feel it in my bones
And then my skull feels pressure
I feel it in my bones
I feel it in my skull


I take a breath, take a breath
With me blow by blow
Take a break, take a break from you
You are here to stay
I take my heart out of my chest
I just don't need it anymore
Take my hand up again
I just don't need it anymore
(Repeat)

That's So Gay by Dhanen Mahes

2009-12-24T10:35:00.002+08:00

I am re-posting this note written by my brother on FB. It made me cry ...at my office.

http://bit.ly/7wK5Uc

Going cheap !

2009-12-24T09:51:00.001+08:00

Online Coupon Generator from Coupon Fu

Confession

2009-12-23T16:32:00.001+08:00

I have been secretly falling apart, unseen.

Tune in

2009-12-18T21:56:00.003+08:00

Today was an interesting day.
We went to watch Avatar.
All I have to say is : James Cameron DELIVERED !
But thats not the point of this post.
Its what happened on the way to the cinema that
was really interesting.
My car skidded.
It went off the road and then into the oncoming lane.
Lucky my dad is an experienced driver.
Lucky we were in Kulim.
Maybe it wasn't luck at all.
Wake up call ? Maybe
This is the second near accident I've had in the past month.
Paulo Coelho would probably say that the Universe is trying to tell
me something.
I should start listening.
But sometimes the white noise internally and externally drown out
the Universe.
Too much white noise.
Too much tying to tune out.Detachment.
Its time to tune in.

Emoness Abounds

2009-12-16T18:51:00.003+08:00

Note to self

2009-12-03T13:03:00.002+08:00

Admit the truth, that's the only way you can make real changes.

The sting of a moment of Truth is far better than living with the fear of hiding it.

Get real, that's how you heal.

2009-12-02T14:06:00.000+08:00

Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at

Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at

But now we'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case
I'll go there
Everyday,
To make myself feel bad

There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do

-T&S-

2009-12-01T14:23:00.002+08:00

You're the upsetter
Stroking my hand
What's my position?
I don't understand
Am I your possession?
Am I in demand?
Oh when you turn to me
I'm in the Quicksand

I could let you stay
But I'm walking on broken ground again
When will I learn?
All you do is push me back in the dark

2009-11-29T00:42:00.001+08:00

2009-11-28T22:09:00.003+08:00

so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about other pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy

2009-11-28T07:32:00.002+08:00

I got smashed yesterday.

And I did something stupid ( not that I don't usually)

Out of habit without even realizing till the morning after

Also intensely dislike a certain someone as well

But I had to behave and refrain from saying " Fucking Homophobe "

Wow ! Another honest, ignorant homophobe.

How original.

Darling , we already are

2009-11-09T02:15:00.004+08:00

Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home

What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time

When we're apart, whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?

So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
All the time, all the time

Darling , we already are. *grins*

My Alicia Obsession

2009-11-02T23:17:00.002+08:00

I've been obsessed with Alicia recently. Her songs are fantastic ! I can relate =)

How could you look me in my eye
And not see what what i feel inside
Tell me how could you doubt the fact that
I love you...

When I wake up in the morning
You're beside me
I'm so thankful that I found
Everything that I been looking for

So everytime you hold me
Hold me like this is the last time
Every time you kiss me
Kiss me like you'll never see me again
Can you do that for me baby?

Lesson of the Day : The Origins of Fever

2009-10-06T12:53:00.002+08:00

Chicks were born to give you fever

Fever till you sizzle
But what a lovely way to burn

p/s: Yes , I am that bored in the library .

2009-10-06T00:08:00.003+08:00

You are so near yet it feels like you're so far.

I should be grateful for those short, not so frequent moments together.

But its just not enough.

I want more.

I want to not say " Stop" or " We have to go"

I want to stop being so responsible.

I want to say " Fuck everything else. Just stay"

I want to be able to be with you.

I want you.

I should stop wanting.

Because wanting does not equal getting.

Fucking Screw Up

2009-09-24T18:37:00.002+08:00

Yes thats what I am .

I guess its hard for me to accept it.

I better work on how to unscrew myself.

Fast.

Now.

Fadli !!!! Your fault !!!!!

2009-09-06T18:13:00.001+08:00

I am completely and utterly addicted to this song and it is Fadli's fault.

Warning ! I suggest you think twice before loading the song....

If you DO , then let me know and we can sing it together ! =P

2009-09-02T01:20:00.001+08:00

2009-08-31T18:11:00.002+08:00

Hurting.

But I don't know how to talk about it.

Even if I did , I don't want to.

There is no point.

It will just bring back the memories.

2009-08-05T17:47:00.001+08:00

En Inbam,

En Thunbam,

Ellamae Nee Anbe.

Random thoughts

2009-07-16T12:00:00.002+08:00

It's been an eventful few weeks since I got back home.

A few months ago , it felt like my whole world was put on Hold.

Just waiting around to come back home and hit the Play button .

Now it seems like my life is on Fast Forward.

Everything and everyone seems to be zooming past me and I cant seem to keep up.

I cant seem to put myself together and catch up with the crowd.

A few months ago , if someone were to ask me to describe myself, I would

know the exact answer to that question.

Now, if someone were to ask me the very same question, I can only reply them

with a shake of the head and a "I don't know how to"

Is that good or bad ?

Are you okay ?

Do you know what you're doing ?

Are you sure you know what you're doing ?

Is this what you want ?

The only answer I can give to all of these questions is "I don't know"

I hope I don't dissapoint.

This song inspired me to blog

2009-07-05T15:21:00.003+08:00

This is a very good song with a lot of good points.

I'm considering making it my theme song =)

Thanks Monika for introducing me to the song ! heeeheee

To a very special person

2009-06-26T16:30:00.003+08:00

Dear Ching ,

First of all , I love you ! Sorry it took me sometime to get this up.

My movie maker skills a bit rusty already laaa.

Anyways , most of what I want to say is already in the video clip ,

but again I just want to say thank you for being a part of my life and

being there for me all these years. You've seen me at my best and at

my worst and yet you are still here. I am truly grateful and blessed not

only to have met you but to have gotten to know you so well ( for the most part )

No matter where you are in the world, you are always a part of my

life and big part of my heart.Thank you again for loving me as I am. Big HUGS !

Pandiiiiii, come back sooon !!!!

*Maaf aku menghantam idea kamu , tapi aku tak de duit nak call

untuk sembang sembang =(*

Finally

2009-05-18T14:01:00.003+08:00

Two days more !

I can't wait till' I'm home.

There are so many things I have to do and people that I miss.

p/s: Make time for me or else ! ( this is a serious threat, seriously)

To Pandi, Chan chan and Kak Nadia

2009-05-16T14:24:00.003+08:00

Guess what I found in my wallet today ?

Sugarcubes and a note by you guys from before.

It made me smile and the world seems like a better place now.

It's nice to know someone cares.

*hugs*

2009-05-15T13:24:00.001+08:00

I know you've been hurt
Many a time before
Your heart bleeds rivers
Deep enough to drown

Thought i to be the one
To swim against the current
Swim against the force
The force that pulls one down

But no matter how hard i try
I can't seem to win this fight
I seem to be further behind
Than i was when i met you

2009-05-14T23:18:00.003+08:00

Rock?

Hah! Who am I kidding?

A rock isn't all mushy inside.

I guess Ching is right, I am a Ubi.

I get all squishy when I get stepped on and I make

an awful big splat on the sidewalk I get trampled on.

No...not like a rock at all.

2009-05-13T01:36:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I think you know me inside out.

Everything about me, everything that is me, you know.

But sometimes I think you don't know anything about me.

Sometimes you don't understand how much it matters to me.

Sometimes you act as though you don't know how much you mean to me.

Words. Simple words. It hurts.

Don't you get it ? Don't you understand ?

Those words completely robbed me of everything that I thought to be real.

Everything I thought you knew to be real.

It invalidated everything . Everything I have ever said, or done , or felt.

Every conversation. Every memory. Everything.

Because when you doubt me, I doubt myself.

Don't you get it ? Why don't you understand ?

...Why can't I make you understand?...why can't I make you believe?...

I feel so inadequate.

...

2009-05-11T01:18:00.000+08:00

What you don't know is that

I love the way you make my heart tear up.

On the discourse surrounding HIV/AIDS

2009-05-04T12:11:00.002+08:00

"It is a strange God who chooses to punish male homosexuals
and not female ones, and who is angry at drug-takers who inject
intravenously but not with those who sniff "

-Rabbi Julia Neuberger -

Because...

2009-05-01T07:02:00.002+08:00

"Labels are for soup cans, not people ! "

So, Go PoMo!

Women and Men

2009-04-30T11:04:00.001+08:00

What happened to this ?

2009-04-28T02:56:00.005+08:00

Well I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of Hell,
but I'll stand my ground
and I wont back down

I will stand my ground,
won't be turned around
In a world that keeps on draggin' me down,
I will stand my ground
And, I won't back down

Hey, baby, there ain't no easy way out
Hey, I will stand my ground
And I won't back down

Well I know what's right,
I got just one life
In a world that keeps pushing me 'round,
I'll stand my ground
No, I won't back down
Hey, baby, there ain't no easy way out
Hey, I will stand my ground
And I won't back down

And I won't back down,
no I won't back down

- Pearl Jam-

--------------------------------

When you're weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I'm on your side. when times get rough
And friends just can't be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When you're down and out,
When you're on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I'll take your part.
When darkness comes
And pains is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine.
If you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.

- Simon and Garfunkel-

Riot Grrrl !!

2009-04-27T23:30:00.000+08:00

BECAUSE we are angry at a society that tells us
Girl=Dumb, Girl=Bad, Girl=Weak.
– Bikini Kill -

Chris Cornell is AWESOME !

2009-04-19T07:34:00.003+08:00

*related to current mood*

"No Such Thing"

I saw the world, it was beautiful
But the rain got in and ruined it all
Then I tried to be invisible
It was impossible
Even for me
I laughed at love
It was a big mistake
In the absence of
I filled it with hate

Cause there's no such thing as nothing
Yeah there's no such thing as nothing at all

I had the brains not to think at all
But the rain got in
And I thought too hard
On the world, and as usual
I slumped too far into the void
I tried to make everything meaningless
But the rain got in and made it a mess

Cause there's no such thing as nothing
Yeah there's no such thing as nothing at all
Yeah there's no such thing as nothing
But my finger's on the trigger
And I'll turn off the world

So what gives me the right
To think that I could throw away a life?
Even mine
And what makes you believe
That you could get away with getting old?
Overlapping me
Maybe to lose or to save your soul
Is a choice of how you fill the hole

And the rain got in

Cause there's no such thing as nothing
Yeah there's no such thing as nothing at all
There's no such thing as nothing
But my finger's on the trigger
And I'll turn off the world

Tegan and Sara

2009-04-10T08:17:00.002+08:00

Great lyrics and powerful voices filled with emotion, me loike !

Random

2009-04-09T04:32:00.002+08:00

Just the other day someone said ,
" I always pictured you as someone full of
wisdom and strong, almost indestructible like. "

All I could say was,
"Yeah?..I wish..."

And all I could think was,
"I am so not that"

I wish you love

2009-04-06T01:44:00.002+08:00

Goodbye, no use leading with our chins, this is where our story ends,
Never lovers ever friends.

Goodbye, let our hearts call it a day, but before you walk away,
I sincerely want to say.

I wish you bluebirds in the spring, to give your heart a song to sing,
And then a kiss, but more than this, I wish you love.

And in July, lemonade to cool you in some leafy glade,
I wish you health, and more than wealth, I wish you love.

My breaking heart and I agree that you and I could never be,
So with my best, my very best, I set you free.

I wish you shelter from the storm, a cozy fire to keep you warm,
Most of all, when snowflakes fall, I wish you love.

Goodbye...finally. I wish you love..

Taken from " I Wish You Love" by Nat King Cole.

Lukka Chuppi (Hide and seek)

2009-04-05T11:44:00.007+08:00

I was listening to the song Lukka Chuppi from Rang De Basanti

(highly recommended btw) and got hooked on it. But I think what hit

me the most while listening to this song is the overwhelming sense of emptines in me.

Why?

Because the person i love most in my life is not here by my side.

I have not touched , hugged or kissed her for more than 3 months.

I have not woken up to the smell of Nescafe in the morning( or afternoon)

and her voice , telling me to get off my lazy ass and greet the day.

I have not walked behind her, following her footsteps around the house

and the garden, listening to her stories and memorizing each and every

little expression that passes through her face.

I have not sat in the kitchen, taking in the smells of the spices and talking,

just talking, about everything and anything at all. Mundane things like the

infestation of snails in the garden to life lessons , sex and politics.

I have not laid on the floor beside her , in the afternoon

(with Preity jumping around and all over us )

and laughed at funny stories and lil gossips.

How I long to

be in the presense of this wonderful, beautiful woman once again.

How I long to

hold my mother close and to tell her that I love her more

than anything or anyone else in this world.

How I long to

share with her every piece of my life, even those I have kept hidden

for so many years.

How I long to

hear her voice , teling me its going to be ok.

That she loves me no matter what. And she always will.

I remeber kissing her on her forehead at night and saying " I love you Ma"

And she said , " Yes,yes I love you too. Now shoo shoo, go away and go to bed"

And I asked , " Promise? Always ? No matter what ? "

She made an odd face,smiled and said , " Promise. Always. No matter what."

And then she mussed my hair and marched me off to bed.

I miss you Ma. And I love you .

How much ? * spreads arms as wide as possible*

This much !!!!!

Yahaan sab kuch hai maa phir bhi lage bin tere mujhko akela

Mother:

Luka Chuppi bahut huyi saamne aa ja naa

Enough of hide and seek, come before me.

Kahan kahan dhoondha tujhe

I searched for you everywhere.

Thak gayi hai ab teri maa

Your mother is now tired.

Aaja saanjh hui mujhe teri fikar

Its evening and I'm worried about you

Dhundhla gayi dekh meri nazar aa ja na

Hazy is what my sight is, come to me

Son:

Kya bataoon maa kahan hoon main.

What do I tell you about the place where I am, maa?

Yahan udney ko mere khula aasmaan hai

There is freedom and independence like the vast sky here.

Tere kisson jaisa bhola salona

Like your stories it is innocent and beautiful here

Jahan hain yahan sapno vala

Its like a dreamland here.

Meri patang ho befikar udd rahi hai maa

My kite (I am) is flying without any worries maa.

Dor koi loote nahin beech se kaate na

Nobody to steal or cut my kite's string.

Mother:

Teri raah takey aankhiyaan

My eyes are waiting for your arrival.

Jaane kaisa kaisa hoye jiyaa

My heart is going through various emotions.

Dhire dhire aangan uthre andhera, mera deep kahan

Slowly darkness in creeping in the courtyard, where is my lamp ?

Dhalke suraj kare ishara chanda tu hai kahan

The sun is setting and gesturing to the moon, where are you?

Mere chanda tu hai kahan

Where are you my moon ?

Son:

Kaise tujhko dikhaun yahaan hai kya

How do I show you what is here?

Maine jharne se paani maa, tod ke piya hai

I've drunk water from the fountain maa

Guchcha guchcha kayee khwabon ka uchal ke chuwa hai

I've touched several clusters of my dreams

Chaaya liye bhali dhoop yahaan hai

The sunlight along with the shade is here

Naya naya sa hai roop yahan

The atmosphere is so different and new

Yahaan sab kuch hai maa phir bhi

All that I want is here maa... but still...

Lage bin tere mujhko akela

Loneliness is what I feel here without you

Afternoon Moon

2009-04-04T06:10:00.003+08:00

I watched the moon today. At 2pm in the afternoon at Minehaha Park

as the sun shone brightly on a beautiful spring day. It was weird but

beautiful still.

2009-04-02T15:19:00.003+08:00

Dil hai to phir dard hoga

dard hai to dil bhi hoga

Mausam guzarte rehte hain

Funny incident

2009-04-02T12:32:00.009+08:00

This happened quite some time ago but I just remembered it and it was sort of amusing.

We were in Vegas , waiting for the tour bus and I decided to listen to some music.

I felt like listening to some Tamil beats so i put on one of my favs

and as usual , started humming to the song and singing with my

eyes closed.

When i opened my eyes, the gang was staring at me with such

fascination that I was totally weirded out !

And they were weirded out by me !

Apparently they thought I'm not very Indian . What does that even

supposed to mean btw? I guess I don't fit into their stereotypical

framework of Indians . Oh well, too "bad"

But it was funny though , bulging eyes and all.

paeranbe undhan ninaivu en kannai chutrum kanavu
idhu uyirai thirudum uravu un thunbam enbadhu varavu
ae marma raani nil nil oru mouna vaarthai sol sol
unnnodu naan kanda bandham mannodu mazhai konda sondham
kaayndhaalum adi eeram enjum

Sometimes I wish

2009-04-02T04:36:00.005+08:00

Sometimes I wish..

That I was someone else,

Some one taller maybe,

Smarter and intelligent perhaps,

Prettier and elegant definitely.

Sometimes I wish..

That I was someone else,

Someone "normal",

living an "ordinary" life,

with plain dreams and a mundane lifestyle,

Nothing different, blending in the crowd,

Just "normal" and "ordinary".

Sometimes I wish,

That I was someone else,

Someone she could be proud of,

Someone she isn't embarassed about,

Someone she could love,

But no, I am none of those.

Sometimes I wish,

I would stop thinking of the past ,

of seconds and minutes and days and months,

filled with beautiful conversations ,

of smiles, and laughter, and promises, ahh yes, promises.

Sometimes I wish,

I could change the past,

Take away the hurt,

Take away the pain,

But I can't , and the present is still present.

Sometimes I wish,

That wishes come true,

But alas, they don't,

I am still me.

And you are still you.

2009-03-31T14:44:00.001+08:00

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

2009-03-30T04:18:00.001+08:00

I rot in my skin
As a piece of me dies everyday
I know I'm nothing
I know there's nothing I can say
To change
The judegment in their ways
I'll never be what you need
Can't help at all
My love was so beautiful
But now I'm ugly
Yeah...

I'm good enough, but I don't care
I'm good enough, but I'm not there
I'm good enough, but I don't care
The sun is out, but I'm not there

- The Smashing Pumpkins -

2009-03-28T05:54:00.001+08:00

Smoking is bad !

I love this !

2009-03-27T23:59:00.005+08:00

Love it !

This was taken from the link Hug someone today, ok? at Indexed .

Its a great site so go check it out !

Don't Let Go ( LOVE)

2009-03-26T11:53:00.002+08:00

 What's it gonna be
     Cuz I can't pretend
     Don't you wanna be more than friends
     Hold me tight and don't let go
     Don't let go
     Have the right to loose control
     Don't let go
I often tell myself
That we could be more than just friends
I know you think that if we move to soon
It would all end
I live in misery when you're not around
And I won't be satisfied 'till we're taking those vows
There'll be some lovemaking, heartbreaking, soul shaking
Oh, lovemaking, heartbreaking, soul shaking
     What's it gonna be
     Cuz I can't pretend
     Don't you wanna be more than friends
     Hold me tight and don't let go
     Don't let go
     Have the right to loose control
     Don't let go
I often fantasize
The stars above are watching you
They know my heart and speak to yours
Like only lovers do
If I could wear your clothes
I'd pretend I was you and loose control
There'll be some lovemaking, heartbreaking, soul shaking
Oh lovemaking, heartbreaking, soul shaking, oh yeah
     What's it gonna be
     Cuz I can't pretend
     Don't you wanna be more than friends
     Hold me tight and don't let go
     Don't let go
     Have the right to lose control
     Don't let go
Running in and out my life has got me so confused
You gotta make the sacrifice
Somebody's got to choose
We can make it if we try for the sake of you and I
Together we can make it right

p/s: The video is weird so close

your eyes when listening =P

Couldn't have said it better !

2009-03-25T14:17:00.003+08:00

Here is a link to Serena's post.

It's all about respecting differences and

human rights, being Malaysian and opposing racial

and ethnic discrimination.

Marriage is a union of spirits

2009-03-25T13:42:00.004+08:00

I was having a short conversation with Chan on MSN just a few minutes ago and

decided to look up on Hinduism and Homosexuality. The thought occured to me

because of all the material I read on the "Banning" of Gay Marriage , I never saw

anything quoted from any Hindu scriptures.

So I googled it and did some research and no , i did not find any specific

scriptures or verses that opposes homosexuality. There is a lot of mention

about the "third gender" and same-sex relations but nothing that says ,

" If you are a homosexual , and engage in homosexual acts , you are heading

for iternal damnation"

Interesting to note that some people perceive homosexuality as a modern

conception and did not "exist" in ancient times. Sanskrit is the oldest written

language,as far as religion being written down, and as far as organized religion

is concerned, Hinduism is one of the oldest religions in the world. And it talks

plenty about homosexuality and diversity of sex and sexuality.

So i am guessing homophobia in India (highest population of Hindus.Duhh)

was more of a western import made strong during the colonial times through

British laws.

Of course there are people who oppose these views, as always. But I

think they're just a bunch of high-nosed people, prancing around on their

moral high horses, looking for a chance to exercise their superiority over

some other groups of people.

And I like this quote, I'm not sure who said it, cant remember his name but its

some holy dude for sure.

"Marriage is a union of spirits, and the spirit is neither male nor female"

Anyways, I have to sleep now.

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to boast religious superiority over any other religion.

I don't really give a fuck anyway .

I am hooked on Sharleen

2009-03-24T05:22:00.006+08:00

Anybody know Sharleen Spiteri from the 90's group Texas ?

Well I've rediscovered Texas on YouTube and also some of Sharleen's

latest music and I am addicted to the songs.I've been listening to it over

and over again so to make sure I can actually close the YouTube window

( with all the videos slowing down my laptop! ), I am spamming my blog for

easy access to my new obsession.

Sharleen and Texas. LOL

Boys on the side !

2009-03-23T03:40:00.003+08:00

Great movie ! Watched it for an assignment for class but it was so worth it. Catch it if you guys can !

A clip from the movie.

Every time I look into your lovely eyes,
I see a love that money just can't buy.
One look from you, I drift away.
I pray that you are here to stay.

Anything you want, you got it.
Anything you need, you got it.
Anything at all, you got it.
Baby!

Every time I hold you I begin to understand,
Everything about you tells me I'm yours.
I live my life to be with you.
No one can do the things you do.
Anything you want, you got it.
Anything you need, you got it.
Anything at all, you got it.
Baby!
Anything you want
Anything you need
Anything at all

Back and forth and back again

2009-03-22T12:48:00.003+08:00

Confused ( Born -1999)

Introvert (2000 - 2006)

Extrovert,ENTJ ( 2006 -2008 )

Introvert, INTJ ( 2009)

I find this rather interesting . I am constantly changing

I stumbled upon this quote today and it got stuck in my head.

The caterpillar thought its world was ending until it turned into a beautiful butterfly

Change. Inevitable.Deal with it

The Las Vegas Adventure (a brief preview )

2009-03-21T01:39:00.004+08:00

p/s: Rancangan tergendala kerana kekurangan gambar. Dalam proses menghantamnya

Chapter 1 : Lost in Vegas

Chapter 2 : Stranded in Arizona

Chapter 3 : Zumanity and New York, New York

2009-03-18T18:48:00.000+08:00

A new addiction to replace the old one ?

Proposition 8 : The Musical

2009-03-14T03:41:00.000+08:00

Berhenti Berharap

2009-03-13T15:45:00.002+08:00

aku tak percaya lagi

dengan apa yang kau beri

aku terdampar di sini

tersudut menunggu mati

aku tak percaya lagi

akan guna matahari

dengan mampu menerangi

sudut gelap hati ini

aku berhenti berharap

dan menunggu datang gelap

sampai nanti suatu saat

tak ada cinta kudapat

kenapa ada derita

bila bahagia tercipta

kenapa ada sang hitam

bila putih menyenangkan...

aku pulang...

tanpa dendam

kuterima.. kekalahanku

aku pulang...

tanpa dendam

kusalutkan.. kemenanganmu

kau ajarkan aku bahagia

kau ajarkan aku derita

kau tunjukkan aku bahagia

kau tunjukkan aku derita

kau berikan aku bahagia

kau berikan aku derita

So Sorry by Feist

2009-03-12T10:53:00.002+08:00

p/s: Thanks D for making me the cd. i totally love it. a bit late to say but yeah =)

I'm sorry, two words
I always think after you're gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong
So selfish, two words that could describe
Old actions of mine when patience is in short supply

We don't need to say goodbye
We don't need to fight and cry
Oh we, we could hold each other tight
Tonight

We're so helpless
We're slaves to our own forces
We're afraid of our emotions
No one, knows where the shore is
We're divided by the ocean
And the only thing I know is
The answer it isn't for us
No the answer isn't for us

I'm sorry, two words
I always think after, oh after you're gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong

We don't need to say goodbye
We don't need to fight and cry
No we, we could, we could hold each other tight
Tonight...
Tonight...
Tonight...
Tonight..

No Ordinary Morning by Chicane

2009-03-11T10:46:00.002+08:00

If there was nothing that I could say
Turned your back and you just walked away
Leaves me numb inside I think of you
Together is all I knew

We moved too fast but I had no sign
I would try to turn the hands of time
Then look to you for the reason why
The love we had passed me by

And as the sun would set you would rise
Fall from the sky into paradise
Is there no light in your heart for me?
You've closed your eyes, you no longer see

There were no lies between me and you
You said nothing of what you knew
But there was still something in your eyes
Left me helpless and paralyzed

You could give a million reasons,
change the world and change the times,
Could not give me the secrets of your heart
and of your mind
In the darkness that surrounds me now
there is no peace of mind
Your careless words undo me,
leave the thought of us behind
You could give a million reasons,
change the world and change the times
Could not give me the secrets of your heart
and of your mind
In the darkness that surrounds me now
there is no peace of mind
Your careless words undo me,
leave the thought of us behind

The Vagina Monologues

2009-03-09T07:59:00.007+08:00

Today I went to watch the Vagina Monologues. And I cried ! It was really goooooood .

So for those of you who have not heard of this play. A lil intro.

The Vagina Monologues is written by Eve Ensler who is an activist, playwright and performer. It seeks to create awareness around the issue of women's rights. It also honors female sexuality in all its complexity and mystery . This piece gives voice to real women's deepest fantasies and fears and it will change the way you percieve a woman's body and think of sex ! I guarantee you that !

This play was in conjunction with V-Day in Minneapolis.V-Day is a global movement to end violence against women and girls that raises funds and awareness through benefit productions written by Eve Ensler.

Was thinking of maybe starting V-Day at Penang ! Anybody interested? =)

For more information , check out the V-Day Homepage !

And since someone forgot to take some videos *ahem ahem! * , I shall have to lift one from YouTube instead !

This is a excerpt from "The Woman Who Loved To Make Vaginas Happy" , performed by the talented *and exceptionally gorgeous !* Jennifer Beals with Ilene Chaiken, Daniela Sea and Alexander Hedison for the V to The Tenth show . No, this was not the Minneapolis show. Sigh.

This is a more funny piece ( about sexuality ) but there are more serious peices that talked about rape and violence against women. It was a very good mix of both. Look it up if you're interested ! I'm sure you guys will like it as much as I did. And if anyone wants to borrow the book (when i get back of course ) , do feel free to look me up ! =)

LOL

2009-03-01T04:19:00.001+08:00

Darling I just got hit on the head and recalled that I have not updated this since I fell in love... You would not believe that I actually have a life. But I'm sorry you'll just have to take my word for it..

I am absolutely consumed with setting fire to people wearing Crocs, selling my soul to Google, just generally being a Darling to anyone unfortunate to cross my path, my day drifts aimlessly from the light through yonder window breaks to whenever. I am avoiding recapture. but who cares.

I absolutely, positively promise I will write something that makes sense soon. Well, I'll try. The Piccaninnies say I have to!.

Interesting post I found online

2009-02-23T23:22:00.001+08:00

http://catatanraufmendunia.wordpress.com/2009/01/01/im-an-aiesecer/

Looks like a new member who is really excited to be in AIESEC ! =)

Today I cried

2009-02-17T05:41:00.002+08:00

Today I cried for the man named Raja Petra Kamaruddin who shall always be my idol and role model for bravery,justice, honesty and integrity.

I cried because I am helpless. I cried because my beloved country is in shambles although many do not realize it. The death of democracy is the worst state any nation can be in , and we are there.

I remember the last time I cried. 31st August 2008. Merdeka Day at Dewan Budaya.I sat on the entrance steps of the dewan as people sang and screamed and wished each other "Happy Merdeka". I cried because there was no reason for me to celebrate Merdeka. I cried because I watched a horrible racist and sexist play organized by USM in conjunction with Merdeka. I cried because I watched a bunch of ignorant people celebrate our so called "Merdeka" when citizens of this very country were being oppresed and discriminated against just because of their race,religion and creed. I cried because these people did not know the current state and the death of democracy of their beloved country. I cried because they were ignorant. I cried because no one understood the meaning of "Merdeka" . I decided I shall not celebrate "Merdeka" Day until the day came when I can be proud to be Malaysian.

I have been mostly detached from the politics of my beloved country ( although I long to be home every single day) since coming to Minnesota. Yes I have heard of the Perak takeover and other bits of information and although I have almost 24 hours of internet connection, I have not dared to take a look at the current news or visit sites like Malaysia Today and Malaysia Kini.

Today I had to because of an assignment on ownership and media control. I cried when I read

Raja Petra Kamaruddin's No Holds Barred " Probably My Last Message to Malaysians"

My friends and family want me to leave the country and to seek political asylum in another country. They feel I can still continue with the struggle in a foreign land. But I am against that as much as my wife pleads that I consider this. I am no quitter and I do not run. I shall stay and fight till the very end even if that is the last thing I do.

If I have to lose my freedom so be it. That is the price we pay for opposing the powers-that-be. But I shall not go quietly or make any deals to secure my release with those who walk in the corridors of power.

I was given an option. Take the money and become rich or go to jail. I refused the money and instead chose jail. This is my choice and no one can convince me to do otherwise. No doubt I will have to pay for this and it will be a heavy price that I shall have to pay. But this is the price of the struggle and the price does not come cheap.

I shall not submit. I shall resist till the end. I stand on right and I oppose what is wrong. Amar makruf, nahi munkar, as Islam would say. We must uphold right and oppose wrong. That is not only the Islamic way but also the way of all religions. And even atheists believe in this, so you need not believe in God to subscribe to the concept of amar makruf, nahi munkar.

Over thousands of years countless people have met their deaths just because they stood on the side of right. What I have chosen to do has been done by so many who are now nameless and faceless. So it is nothing so special that I do which has not been done before.

My resistance will continue. But I will have to continue my resistance behind the barbwire fences of the Kamunting Detention Centre. It will now be up to you, those who are free, to continue where I left off.

My resistance, however, will have to take on a new form. I will no longer be able to write or speak at ceramahs. My voice has now been silenced. But I can still speak the words of silence, which will be my new form of resistance.

I shall no longer open my mouth or utter one word during my detention. I shall maintain the silence of a mute person. I shall not sign any documents of the so many documents that they make you sign when under detention. My signature is not going to be placed on a single shred of paper.

By doing so would mean none of my family members or lawyers would have access to me. Yes, that is the price I shall pay for ‘not cooperating’. I know this and I am prepared for it.

I shall refuse all medical treatment and visits to the hospital. I shall refuse to accept any food and water supplied by the Kamunting authorities. I shall refuse to leave my cell or to meet any of the prison authorities. In short, I shall shut myself out from the world and keep to my own world of my eight feet square cell.

This action will mean I shall survive at the most seven to eight days. By the end of that period I shall be dead. I am prepared for that. They plan to imprison my body for the rest of my life. But I shall release my spirit from my body and will again be free. They can keep my body and they can do whatever they want with it. But they will never be able to keep my spirit. I shall separate my spirit from my body and deny them the pleasure of incarcerating me.

This is a decision I have taken and no one can make me change my mind. And this is probably the last article of mine that you shall read if they send me to Kamunting tomorrow. Keep the struggle going. I shall no longer be able to join you in that struggle. The work is far from finished. This country needs major political, economic and social reforms. The next two years are going to be most trying years indeed. And expect a snap general election within 18 months of Najib taking over if he does take over on 1 April 2009.

I lay down my life for this nation of ours called Malaysia. I will sacrifice myself for the sake of the struggle. There is very little left I can give at this point of time other than my life. For those who stood by me all these years, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I go with a heavy heart. But my heart is heavy only because I have but one life to give.

Death is not the end. Death is but the beginning. It is the beginning of a new journey that none of us can escape and will one day embark upon. It is not something to be sad about. It is something to rejoice.

Please continue your struggle to make Malaysia a better place for our future generation. This country belongs to them and it is for them that we struggle. For some of us, our time is already almost up. We do not have many years left. Many have gone before us. Many friends who started out with us in 1998 are no longer around. But they left this world in the hope that one day Malaysia will be the country that we dream it would be. And that, too, must be our dream.

Dear RPK,

I hope your prophecy of death will not come true but if it does, I wish and pray with all my heart ( which I have not done in over 15 years) that there is actually a place called "Heaven" where your soul can acheive eternal peace. Bless your soul and Malaysians everywhere are truly grateful and are in debt to you. I know I am.

As a Malaysian what can I do to make sure my country is a place of democracy and equal rights? A place for all Malaysians regardless of race,colour and religion? I don't know yet . But I am determined to start doing something.

I refuse to be ignorant and sit still as my country bleeds. Sigh.Again the question comes to mind . What will I do ?

I don't know ....I don't know...I don't know...but something, soon.

"Not your erotic, not your exotic"

2009-02-15T10:11:00.004+08:00

This is a poem by Suheir Hammad.

I watched this in my Gender, Women and Sexuality class, "Politics of Sex"

It's a very interesting class and we've been focusing on the history of sex and sexuality and how it links to societal norms and politics. Very enlightening although most of the time I just prefer to sit back and listen to the discussions. In one class,we were discussing the obsessive sexualization of women of colour and the "queer" community when a classmate of mine shared this with the class.

Here it is

Don’t wanna be you’re exotic like some dark, fragile colorful bird, imprisoned,

caged in a land foreign to the stretch of her wings

Don’t wanna be your exotic
Women everywhere
Look
Just
Like
Me
Some taller, darker, nicer then me but like me just the same.
Women everywhere carry my nose on their faces, my name on their sprits
Don’t seduce your self with my otherness!
My hair wasn’t put on top my head to entice you into some mysterious black voodoo, the beat of my lashes against each other aint some dark desert beat,
It’s just a blink,
Get over it!

Don’t build around me your fetish, fantasy, your lustful profanities to cage me in, clip my wings.

"Don’t wanna be your exotic

your loving of my beauty ain't more than
funky fornication plain pink perversion
in fact nasty necrophilia
cause my beauty is dead to you
I am dead to you.

Not your
harem girl geisha doll banana picker
pom pom girl pum pum shorts coffee maker
town whore belly dancer private dancer
la malinche venus hottentot laundry girl
your immaculate vessel emasculating princess
don't wanna be

not your erotic
Not you’re exotic

For someone very special

2009-02-15T02:06:00.002+08:00

Love me faithfully!

See how I am faithful:with all my heart and all my soul,

I am with you even when I am far away.

Whosoever loves this much knows the sweet torture of love.

I miss those days

2009-02-12T08:51:00.003+08:00

I was randomly surfing blogs and reading ( since i was procastinating and being lazy) and stumbled upon a friend's old post.

Just reminded me of my VP days and how much I miss all my juniors. So many things have happened since and I have changed a lot as well but these are moments I will truly cherish forever.

Plus I miss doing Brand Management and Communications. Maybe I should look into a career in this =)

Shu Li's "My First Sunrise in USM"

Best moment of my life

2009-02-10T07:51:00.003+08:00

At 5.41 pm on 9th February 2009 I became the happiest person in the world !!!!!!! *virtual jumps because I can't jump in real life *

Crazy ?

2009-02-09T13:38:00.002+08:00

I did something crazy today ( no it does not involve alcohol,drugs or sex )

I don't know whether its good or bad.
I don't know how things are going to be after this
I don't know how to control what I feel
I don't know how to control what I say
I don't know how to control what I do
I don't know what else to say
I don't know what I'm doing

I am not sure of myself anymore.

Crazy? I think yes.

Reconnecting with the Indian in me

2009-02-04T08:39:00.004+08:00

Its interesting to note that I have not watched a Hindi/Tamil/Malayalam movie for a very long time.

I've not spoken any of these three in the past 6 months. Not one word ( Hey! I used to speak a little Malayalam to my family and a little Tamil to unsuspecting Indian aunties sometimes ok ! )

Amidst the hustle and bustle of everyday life, I somehow feel that I've lost a certain part of me
( the Indian one apparently)

So in an effort to re-connect with the Indian in me , I decided to watch a Bollywood movie. Its called Fanaa ( roughly translated it means Destruction/Annihilation). It was quite an interesting movie with its usual mix of romance, songs , dancing in the rain and terrorism.
( Yay Indian films ! )

Anyways, I got hooked to the songs. Two in particular. Yay ! I feel more Indian now =P LOL

This one is called "CHAND SIFARISH". It roughly means " The Moon's Blessings" .

subhaan allaah subhaan allah subhaan allah
subhaan allaah subhaan allah subhaan allah

God be praised...

chaand sifarish jo karta hamari deta woh tumko bata
sharm-o-haya pe parde gira ke karni hain hamko khata
zidd hain ab toh hain khud ko mitana hona hain tujhmein fanaa
chaand sifarish jo karta hamari deta woh tumko bata
sharm-o-haya pe parde gira ke karni hain hamko khata

The moon gives us its blessings and tells us
it's time to drop this veil of modesty and commit a sin.
I'm determined to obliterate myself, to be annihilated by your love.
The moon gives us its blessings and tells us
it's time to drop this veil of modesty and commit a sin

teri adaa bhi hain jhonke wali chhu ke gujar jaane de
teri lachak hain ke jaise daali dil mein utar jaane de
aaja baahon mein karke bahana hona hain tujhmein fanaa

You remind me of the wind; touch me as you pass.
You move as sinuously as a reed; plant yourself in my heart.
Come, make some excuse to move into my arms;
I want to be destroyed by you.

chaand sifarish jo karta hamari deta woh tumko bata
sharm-o-haya pe parde gira ke karni hain hamko khata

The moon gives us its blessings and tells us
it's time to drop this veil of modesty and commit a sin

hain jo iraaden bata doon tumko sharma hi jaaogi tum
dhadakanen jo suna doon tumko ghabraa hi jaaogi tum
hamko aata nahi hain chhupana hona hain tujhmein fanaa
chaand sifarish jo karta hamari deta woh tumko bata
sharm-o-haya pe parde gira ke karni hain hamko khata
zidd hain ab toh hain khud ko mitana hona hain tujhmein fanaa

If I told you my intentions, you'd be flustered and embarrassed.
If I let you hear how my heart pounds, you'd grow anxious
sI don't know how to hide it away; let me be destroyed in you.
The moon gives us its blessings and tells us
it's time to drop this veil of modesty and commit a sin.
I'm determined to obliterate myself, to be annihilated by you.

Same movie ,different song. Its called "DEKHO NA". It roughly means " Just look"
*Note: Viewer Discretion advised =P

yeh saajish hain boondon ki koi khwaahish hain chup chup si
yeh saajish hain boondon ki koi khwaahish hain chup chup si

The raindrops are conspiring with my hidden desire.
The raindrops are conspiring with my hidden desire.

dekho na dekho na
dekho na dekho na

Just look...Just look...

hawa kuchh haule haule zubaan se kya kuchh bole
kyon duuri hain ab darmayaan
dekho na dekho na
dekho na dekho na

The soft, gentle breeze is saying something and whispering to me
why this distance between us?
Just look...Just look...

phir na hawayen hogi itani besharam
phir na dag mag dag mag honge yeh kadam

Never again will the winds be so impertinent,
or my feet so unsteady beneath me.

saawan yeh seedha nahi khufia bada
kuchh toh baraste hue keh raha

This isn't a straightforward rain; there's something secretive about it;
it's saying something as it showers down

samjho na samjho na
samjho na samjho na

Try to understand it...Try to understand it.. (we like to repeat in case our partners are a lil deaf =P)

hawa kuchh haule haule zubaan se kya kuchh bole
kyon duuri hain ab darmayaan
dekho na dekho na
dekho na dekho na

The soft, gentle breeze is saying something and whispering to me
why this distance between us?
Just look...Just look...

jugnu jaise chahat dekho jale mujhe
meethi si mushkil hain koi kya kare
hothon ki arzi aaise thukraaon na
saanson ki marzi ko jhuthlaaon na

Watch love, like fireflies, flare and fade away.
It's such a sweet difficulty; what can anyone do?
Don't rebuff the petition on my lips;
don't doubt the desire of my breath.

chhuu lo na chhu lo na
chhuu lo na chhu lo

Touch me...

hawa kuchh haule haule zubaan se kya kuchh bole
na duuri hain ab darmayaan
dekho na dekho na....
dekho na hmm hmm hmm
hmm hmm hmm dekho

The soft, gentle breeze is saying something and whispering to me
why this distance between us?
Just look...Just look...

P/S : I love being Indian. It gives me an excuse to be so dramatic =P

The Beginning of a New Chapter

2009-02-02T15:29:00.009+08:00

Note: A tribute to the EB 08/09, EB 09/10 and all my super duper juniors of AIESEC in USM

1st of February 2009

( Yes , it has taken me some time to write this all down)

Happy New EB Day AIESEC in USM !

As I sit down and write this I'm having all sorts of feelings. A mix of being proud , some hints of dissapointment for not being able to hit some of my own personal goals, a tinge of sadness that my EB term has come to an end and so has my team but mostly a lot of excitement for the coming term!

It has been a long 3 years in AIESEC for me. Three years filled with heartfelt moments but some of these years have been tainted with bad memories and utterly, meaningless arguments. Do I regret any of them ? No , not all. Every moment of my 3 year journey has help shape me into the person I am today. I am far from perfect but I am definitely contented with the way I am now. And I owe it all to AIESEC and all the people I have met during my journey in this awesome organization.

I still remember joining university life with a desire to make a difference. Make a difference in what ? In myself firstly. And then in the people around me and if possible the world ! Many people said to me " My,my, what lofty ideas you have. Perhaps you should be more practical in your goals and ideas"

If you don’t already know, I AM a very practical person. And I thought those were very practical ideas indeed. You just need to take the first step and go do it. I wanted to. But I didn’t know how. My first encounter with AIESEC provided me the platform and the direction in achieving my goals.

Malam Mesra 2006. It was my first encounter with this "weird" organization that didn't even seem to know how to spell ISAAC properly. It was funny how I went in with no expectations whatsoever, but came out filled with a world view filed with possibilities and ideas. Things I could do , things I can change, things that I WANTED to do. It was an instant click for me and I fell so madly in love with this organization that has meant so much to me.

Many of you all probably didn’t know the person I was years back. In 2006 , I decided that I was going to change. Change myself into a better person and leave behind everything else before this that had held me back. All the painful memories, all the unsupportive people . all the negative vibes and situations. Everything. I was no more going to be the person who was scared all the time, I refused to be the person who held back, I decided that I was not going to be the person who everyone pushed around. Its like I took a knife to all the ties I had to the previous "Me" and cut it all off. I felt like a new person. A person that could do anything she put her mind to.

I started off with the HIV/AIDS Project. Met so many new people there. Most importantly I met Ranveer and Yin Wei ( I already knew Ching la). We started becoming closer after the project and LLDS. Even though our LLDS was quite boring ( I can safely say that) but I made some of the closest friends I would ever have. And I realised all the potential in me , things that I could do and achieve if only I stepped up. So I decided to step up for BUDAYA.

BUDAYA was a really good experience . Although I did not hold any Director positions, I contributed as much as I could. It gave me a chance to explore some of the skills I never thought I had before and helped me with numerous issues including my insecurity issues.

Then came NLDS 2006. It was a turning point for me. I was challenged in every way I could imagine. Personally and professionally. "Friendships" were tested as well. I also met one of the most important people in my life, Miss Serena Chan. I never thought that I would meet my next family member at NLDS. Its funny how you meet someone for the first time and feel an instant connection with them. Well it was like that when I met Serena ( Siang Ling.LOL) .

Also, for the first time in my life, I felt empowered. I felt like I could do something with myself , I could be the person in front, leading a bunch of people in completing their own life-changing experiences. I at last FIT.

The sugar cubes I got ( I really didn’t expect to get any at all) was so moving and uplifting. It was my source of motivation and still is ! ( the ones from LLDS 06,NLDS 06, NATCON 07, MNC 07,GTs, NATCON 08, INSPIRE, USMLDS, MNC 08 , farewell sugar cubes ! I even have most of them with me in Minnesota)

My term as Vice President of External Relations 07/08 was very "interesting" . Although there were some achievements and many revelations on my part , the experience itself was not as good as I hoped it would be. Many times I was frustrated with how things were run but I stuck to it until the end. Even though I would not consider my time as VP as one filled with success and good times, my experience during this year thought me many lessons and made me a stronger, better person. I learn many things within this year. I learnt how to be independent, I learned how to believe in myself and my skills, I learned to trust my instincts, I learned about respect, integrity and principles. The most important takeaway from this experience is I learned what a LEADER really means and what the leader SHOULD not do in any circumstances. ( If you want more details please refer to "Goodbye EB Board" by Nadia or "I Have a Story to Tell" By Serena Chan / "Flyyy" by Ching )

When I was presented with the opportunity to apply for President 08/09 , I had many doubts. I doubted whether I would be the best person to run for it. I thought about it day and night and although I had some support , there was also overwhelming criticism from certain sides who did not think I was up for the job. Although I still wonder if I was the best person ( or the only available one), I cant figure out why those others did not run. And if they didn’t want to run , why not just let those people who want to make a difference actually run for it. I guess I shall never know the answer. But nonetheless, the elections were a disaster ( twice !) . I prefer not to speculate as to the reasons of its failure but I guess there was some good that came out of it. James and Sandy ( Thanks Guys for being there and supporting us ! ) decided it was time for the MCs to step in and those running for the Executive Board 08/09 positions were put through a extremely tough selection board ( and no , although it was only the 4 of us, its wasn’t sure that we were going to get it ! )

The night James called to announce the results was both the happiest and scariest day of my life. Happy that AIESEC USM was given a second chance to prove itself and something I hold so dear to my heart will be preserved. Scared because I knew that this few months are going to be the most challenging times of my life and my team's ( and I was right ! )

We started off with 4 EBs and then we were only left with a team of 3 ( including me !). Many people wondered ( and doubted ) how 3 people would be able to run a whole local chapter of an international organization ( which in previous times had at least 15 ppl running it) . It was HARD! We pushed ourselves to our limits , we worked day and night, we put in long hours and had less time for anything else. We knew it was MAKE or BREAK ! Either we did very well and LC USM will continue to grow , or we screw up and that would be the end of LC USM. People talked, people doubted and people criticized and through it all we endured.

Leading my EB team ( Serena and Ching , you both are the best EBs any LCP could have ) has been extremely challenging . We had our fight , arguments and occasional cat fights. But I value both of them for their insights, knowledge and skills and the fact that they constantly challenge me to be better. There are times when I felt like crap and doubted myself , but my team was always there for me. To feel crappy with me for sometime and then to whack me and shake me all about and tell me " Get UP! We've got work to do ! " They have been my backbone and my pillar throughout this journey. And sometimes when people tell me how strong I've been, I always say that my strength does not come from within me. It comes from my EB ! Your constant support and love has kept me going through the difficult times and I want to thank you for believing in me, even when I didn’t. Many people say how its hard to separate personal and professional relationships. Yes its hard ! But we did it ! You guys are still ( thank you for putting up with my crap) FAMILY ( to be exact, Ching is the pet) and I LOVE you guys. I may not say it often but I hope you guys know that I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

Some cute pics of us to make this long, long post more interesting ( I hope) =P

After recruitment, I remember telling Serena, " This is the first step. We've got a whole bunch of people but the question is , did we get the RIGHT ones? "

I am now sure we did. We managed to get the RIGHT ones for our organization.

A bunch of people who are amazingly brilliant, inspiring and talented. We saw a special something and potential in each and every one of you during the selection process. In time, we saw that special something grow. Through INSPIRE, GTs, LDS, Dept Meets and MyLDS. I was given the opportunity to be a part of that growth and I am ever grateful for that. Because as each of you learnt and developed, I developed with you. You guys thought me so many important lessons and have been such an integral part of my life for the past few months.

Sometimes when some of you come up to me and tell me how much you've grown in AIESEC, I feel an extreme sense of joy that I was a part of your journey. Thank you guys, for letting me be a part of your lives and experiences. I know I might not have been the perfect President and I realize that I have made mistakes , but I hope you can forgive them. It has been my honour and pleasure to serve LC USM.

Today is the day my term officially ends. And looking at the people taking over ( I also just completed some transition sessions online) , I am very confident that LC USM will continue to grow and that it is in very good hands. I wish you guys all the best and ensure you that I will continue to support you guys in any way that I can !

My personal note to the EB 09/10:

Evelyn,

I have remembered you since the first day I met you at Malam Mesra. And throughout your journey in AIESEC, you have always stood out from the crowd. I have always respected you for your abilities, knowledge and skills. But most of all , I respect you for your heart and your concern for others. You seem to have limitless care and concern for everyone and I believe this will make you an AWESOME President. Just don’t let those rascals in your EB bully you ! =P LOL

Michele,

Although I might not know you very long, but I know that you have enormous potential. I remember observing you during The Derdians session at LDS and instantly I knew that you would be one of the future leaders of AIESEC in USM. Learn to be confident in yourself. You will do great, I know ! =)

Jason,

Always the person to brighten up people's day. Even mine ! =) Remember that you are MORE than just the joker of LC USM. There are many reasons why you are a VP today , and a mock MCP candidate in MyLDS. One of the reason is that you are a very UNIQUE person and a very CAPABLE one at that. I know sometimes things can be tough , and it will be when you're EB, but always remember to look at the positive side of things ok ?

Hooi Fong,

Very loud ! Since the first day we recruited you ! LOL But its ok to be loud, sometimes =P I totally value your excitement and passion , but sometimes you need to channel it in a more appropriate way ok? I get it because I was like you once =) I was quite sad when you became inactive in your second year but was very relieved when you re-joined this year ! And when you talked about running for VP during MyLDS , I was very proud. The first thing I thought was , " Yay! Another very capable and passionate person running for EB ! "

Tina,

What can I say ? =P We've had many conversations and most of the things I have wanted to say I already have ( You better remember ! LOL) I know that you are person of high standards and always strives for the best. Keep on doing that and you will discover a world of opportunities in AIESEC. Believe me when I say this is only the first step.

Muslih !

I am very proud of you. And I want to thank you . You were there with us when we started off our journey as EB and all through the hard times. Although many people decided to give up on the LC , you didn't. Your passion for AIESEC and your interest to learn will take you far ! Work hard and you will achieve many great things.

Ken,

You've got to know that although you are new, you bring many things to your EB. Your past experiences and attitude make you a valuable asset to you team. ICX will be tough and there are many things to do and high goals to achieve , but I have full confidence in your abilities. Just be confident and don’t be afraid to challenge the norms and think out of the box !

Wilson,

I've always liked your confidence and " I can do it!" attitude. Running for LCP was a huge step and I respect your courage. I did not have the courage or the confidence to do it when I was a junior. Although you were not an Exchanger before, you are now. You are a fast learner and I am sure you will be able to catch up in no time at all. Just keep going even though times are difficult ok. I very much look forward to the opportunity of working with you soon.

To all the Managers,

Good job guys ! Although you might not be in the EB , remember that all of you are UNIQUE and you bring many different things to team. Your abilities and skills complement the EB and without you, the EB will not be able to achieve all their goals and LC USM will not be able to reach it full potential. There might be some key aspects that you guys need to work on so find out what it is , work on it and RUN for EB 10/11 !

To the rest of my super duper juniors,

Guys, remember that every one has an important role in the LC. Without you guys there would be no use of an EB and Manager roles. Please stay , learn and grown in AIESEC with this bunch of people. You will find that you can do anything and everything you want if you put your mind to it.

I truly LOVE and CARE for each and every one of you as you guys make up parts of my life in your own unique ways.

As for me , I cannot wait to get back to Malaysia and start my term in the MC. It’s going to be a whole new experience. One that I am sure I will blog about in the coming year. This is the beginning of a new chapter for me and I am sure it is going to be a great one !

To my future MC team mates, CONGRATS and I can’t wait to catch up and start learning from you all !

-End-

Pimp-ing up my blog.

2009-01-26T07:39:00.001+08:00

In the process of making my blog more hip and cool ( LOL ) so please bare with me. Come back next year or something when I'm done =P

Question

2009-01-01T04:17:00.001+08:00

If you had to pick one song to represent or decribe me , what song would you choose as my theme song ?

Need help .....HELP !

Emotional Rollercoster

2008-12-26T02:45:00.001+08:00

Feeling used,abused and thrown away. Dramatic ? Maybe.

But thats how I feel like these past few days.

Emo~ Sigh

2008-12-23T18:25:00.003+08:00

Im not going to write a long soppy post. Just wanted to post these two songs that have been playing in my head.

"If I Fell" by The Beatles

If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
'cause I've been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands

If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her

If I trust in you, oh please
Don't run and hide
If I love you too, oh please
Don't hurt my pride like her
'cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain

So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two
cause I couldn't stand the pain
and I would be sad if our new love was in vain

so I hope you see that I
would love to love you
and that she will cry when she learns we are two.

If I fell in love with you

"Cocoon" by Jack Johnson

based on your smile
im betting all of this might be over soon
but youre bound to win
because if im betting against you, i think id rather lose

but this is all that i have, so please
take whats left of this heart, and use
please use only what you really need
you know i only have so little, so please
mend your broken heart and leave

i know its not your style
and i can tell by the way that you move its real real soon
but im on your side
and i dont want to be your regret, id rather be your cocoon

but this is all that you have, so please
let me take whats left of your heart, and i will use
i swear ill use only what i need
i know you only have so little, so please
let me mend my broken heart

you said this was all you have
and its all i need
but blah blah blah
because it fell apart
i guess its all you knew
and all i had
but now we have
only confused hearts
i guess all we have
is really all we need

so please
lets take these broken hearts, and use
lets use only what we really need
you know we only have so little, so please
take these broken hearts and leave

Sighhhhhhhhh.

Again

2008-12-04T01:09:00.001+08:00

Emotionally detached. Again

True ?

2008-12-02T16:12:00.002+08:00

This is a test I did using Colorgenics. Hmmmmm wondering how accurate this is.Anyone got any input ? Sigh

At this time you are feeling 'uptight' and you are urgently in need of rest and relaxation; but perhaps even more than that you need to overcome that feeling that you have been 'hard done by' and treated with a complete lack of consideration. Maybe you have, but whatever may have been the cause of your inherent anxiety, you regard the situation as intolerable. Your are, however, sufficiently competent to turn that situation around - you have overcome similar problems in the past, and really this one isn't too different.

You enjoy taking part in anything that may constitute fun and excitement. You need to be stimulated and need to feel that 'Life is worth living' and you are awaiting that stimulation and you don't particularly care where it comes from!

You lack confidence and that is a great pity because deep down you are indeed a warm caring person. This lack of confidence is making you wary of being drawn into any open discussion or conflict and so you feel as if you should let matters lie and leave well alone. But there may be a pleasant surprise in store for you. You are beginning to grow and very soon - sooner than you believed possible - this warm loving new you will be available for all to see and to appreciate.

You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself.

You don't feel as if you can go it on your own anymore. You don't want to be taken for granted. You need to be recognised as a 'caring person' and it could be that you are searching to establish a relationship, not necessarily with someone new, but with that someone special who could feel the same way as you do.

Stresses resulting from a recent disappointment have led to considerable trepidation. It would seem that there seems to be so much left undone. Everything surrounds you with that air of uncertainty. You badly need to feel a sense of security and whatever it takes to protect you against further disappointment. At this particular time you doubt that things could be any better in the future but you are sticking to your guns and refusing to take advice from any source.

Since in the recent past all of your hopes and aspirations have been denied you, you are now convinced that the future will hold nothing but anxiety so therefore 'why bother?' You would love to get away from it all, to escape from the trials and tribulations of this mundane existence and fall into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, which will protect you from the lack of appreciation and give you the chance to start afresh.

I stumbled upon this by accident

2008-12-02T12:08:00.003+08:00

I never knew I had this song on my RubiTop ( my laptop's name courtesy of Sharifah Dayana). Was trying to study ( during the exam period la, not now, crazy ah study now for what ???) and was feeling a lil' sucky and this song suddenly popped up in my iTunes. Just thought I'd share because I feel really connected to this song.

Whether You Fall by Tracy Bonham

Whether it's the sunshine whether it's the rain
Doesn't make a difference 'til you complain
Whether it's the water coming in from the roof
Does it piss you off that you're not water proof?

Whether you fall means nothing at all
It's whether you get up it's whether you get up

And you hate the silence as it fills up the room
And there's not much to say to your blushing groom
Maybe all eyes are on you as you finish the race
And the world sees you struggling for last place

Whether you fall means nothing at all
It's whether you get up whether you get up

Olbermann: Gay marriage is a question of love

2008-11-24T01:34:00.005+08:00

SPECIAL COMMENT

By Keith Olbermann

Anchor, 'Countdown'

msnbc.com

Everyone deserves the same chance at permanence and happiness

Finally tonight as promised, a Special Comment on the passage, last week, of Proposition Eight in California, which rescinded the right of same-sex couples to marry, and tilted the balance on this issue, from coast to coast.

Some parameters, as preface. This isn't about yelling, and this isn't about politics, and this isn't really just about Prop-8. And I don't have a personal investment in this: I'm not gay, I had to strain to think of one member of even my very extended family who is, I have no personal stories of close friends or colleagues fighting the prejudice that still pervades their lives.

And yet to me this vote is horrible. Horrible. Because this isn't about yelling, and this isn't about politics. This is about the human heart, and if that sounds corny, so be it.

If you voted for this Proposition or support those who did or the sentiment they expressed, I have some questions, because, truly, I do not understand. Why does this matter to you? What is it to you? In a time of impermanence and fly-by-night relationships, these people over here want the same chance at permanence and happiness that is your option. They don't want to deny you yours. They don't want to take anything away from you. They want what you want—a chance to be a little less alone in the world.

Only now you are saying to them—no. You can't have it on these terms. Maybe something similar. If they behave. If they don't cause too much trouble. You'll even give them all the same legal rights—even as you're taking away the legal right, which they already had. A world around them, still anchored in love and marriage, and you are saying, no, you can't marry. What if somebody passed a law that said you couldn't marry?

I keep hearing this term "re-defining" marriage. If this country hadn't re-defined marriage, black people still couldn't marry white people. Sixteen states had laws on the books which made that illegal in 1967. 1967.

The parents of the President-Elect of the United States couldn't have married in nearly one third of the states of the country their son grew up to lead. But it's worse than that. If this country had not "re-defined" marriage, some black people still couldn't marry black people. It is one of the most overlooked and cruelest parts of our sad story of slavery. Marriages were not legally recognized, if the people were slaves. Since slaves were property, they could not legally be husband and wife, or mother and child. Their marriage vows were different: not "Until Death, Do You Part," but "Until Death or Distance, Do You Part." Marriages among slaves were not legally recognized.

You know, just like marriages today in California are not legally recognized, if the people are gay.

And uncountable in our history are the number of men and women, forced by society into marrying the opposite sex, in sham marriages, or marriages of convenience, or just marriages of not knowing, centuries of men and women who have lived their lives in shame and unhappiness, and who have, through a lie to themselves or others, broken countless other lives, of spouses and children, all because we said a man couldn't marry another man, or a woman couldn't marry another woman. The sanctity of marriage.

How many marriages like that have there been and how on earth do they increase the "sanctity" of marriage rather than render the term, meaningless?

What is this, to you? Nobody is asking you to embrace their expression of love. But don't you, as human beings, have to embrace... that love? The world is barren enough.

It is stacked against love, and against hope, and against those very few and precious emotions that enable us to go forward. Your marriage only stands a 50-50 chance of lasting, no matter how much you feel and how hard you work.

And here are people overjoyed at the prospect of just that chance, and that work, just for the hope of having that feeling. With so much hate in the world, with so much meaningless division, and people pitted against people for no good reason, this is what your religion tells you to do? With your experience of life and this world and all its sadnesses, this is what your conscience tells you to do?

With your knowledge that life, with endless vigor, seems to tilt the playing field on which we all live, in favor of unhappiness and hate... this is what your heart tells you to do? You want to sanctify marriage? You want to honor your God and the universal love you believe he represents? Then Spread happiness—this tiny, symbolic, semantical grain of happiness—share it with all those who seek it. Quote me anything from your religious leader or book of choice telling you to stand against this. And then tell me how you can believe both that statement and another statement, another one which reads only "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

You are asked now, by your country, and perhaps by your creator, to stand on one side or another. You are asked now to stand, not on a question of politics, not on a question of religion, not on a question of gay or straight. You are asked now to stand, on a question of love. All you need do is stand, and let the tiny ember of love meet its own fate.

You don't have to help it, you don't have it applaud it, you don't have to fight for it. Just don't put it out. Just don't extinguish it. Because while it may at first look like that love is between two people you don't know and you don't understand and maybe you don't even want to know. It is, in fact, the ember of your love, for your fellow person just because this is the only world we have. And the other guy counts, too.

This is the second time in ten days I find myself concluding by turning to, of all things, the closing plea for mercy by Clarence Darrow in a murder trial.

But what he said, fits what is really at the heart of this:

"I was reading last night of the aspiration of the old Persian poet, Omar-Khayyam," he told the judge. It appealed to me as the highest that I can vision. I wish it was in my heart, and I wish it was in the hearts of all: So I be written in the Book of Love; I do not care about that Book above. Erase my name, or write it as you will, So I be written in the Book of Love."

Note:

(taken from The New Straits Times)

COMMON HOMOPHOBES

Gay basher

"We beat the heck out of those gay people. We stop them by violence and we're normal, they're not. It's normal to hate gay people."

Dumb straight guy

"Gay guys are so desperate, I'd rather stay away from them. Never mind that I'm so not hot. Lesbians are so totally hot, they're just experimenting. One day they'd be with a man, like me."

Super-nice homophobe

"We love homosexuals. We understand that they're gay because of childhood experiences or past traumatic experiences. Even though they may not remember any of such experiences, no worries, we'll create some incidents for them. We're here to help them."

2008-11-23T02:11:00.003+08:00

I can see you right before me
but it feels like you're miles away
I can touch your body baby
but you dont have a word to say
you say you love me, want me , need me
and you want to lay with me, play with me , be with me
you say you just need a lil time to get your loving back online

I am amazed

2008-11-23T01:03:00.005+08:00

I am absolutely amazed at people's ( certain people i know personally) capacity for love. I don't know how someone can love another so deeply and give their significant other all of themselves. And know in their hearts that this is the person for you.

It's a scary thought. Caring so much about a person that you know you would do everything you could just to see him/her smile. And you think about that person so much that it seems so strange and odd if you stop, even for a minute.

It is indeed an extremely scary thought.

To show someone all of you and to put yourself and your feelings out there hoping that this person will be able to accept you as you are.

To cherish the moments you spend together

To respect and care as much as you do.

To not hurt you.

Sigh.

How do you do that? I am truly amazed.

Anyone wanna try ? =P lol

2008-11-12T12:33:00.000+08:00

Your result for The OkCupid Kissing Test...

The Traditionalist

You are 46% Passionate, 47% Romantic, and 13% Experienced!

Traditionally AWESOME.

Ah, the Traditionalist. You like your romance old-school, and there's something really refreshing about that. You're sweet and hopeful, but you also have high standards. You don't have a ton of experience, but you do have an uncanny ability to make your make-out partner feel like the center of the universe, and EVERYONE likes that. Your Romance rating of 47% is pretty high, and the fact that you're 46% Passionate suggests that you're a great kisser who also manages to keep a cool head. This means that when you do find people who meet your standards, you give them the royal treatment. Well played.

You're cautious, thoughtful, and considerate. You value the rituals of courtship and treasure first kisses. You don't kiss too aggressively, and you enjoy tender, affectionate kisses with a long-term partner. The thought of a slobbery make-out with a relative stranger leaves you cold, and when you're in the moment, you're more focused on the quality of your partner than their kissing technique. Because you're so choosy, you haven't had tons of experience, and you're probably cool with that. Select your next lucky partner based on our recommendations.

If you're looking for great classic kisses, we recommend: The Boyfriend (or The Girlfriend) or The Romantic. Avoid The Vixen and The Rogue like the Plague.

See all of the other results here:

Take The OkCupid Kissing Test at HelloQuizzy

Since I can't move I might as well take QUIZZES ! =p

2008-11-10T23:37:00.001+08:00

Your result for The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test...

1- the Perfectionist

Thanks for taking the test !

you chose CZ - your Enneagram type is ONE (aka "The Reformer").

"I do everything the right way"

Perfectionists are realistic, conscientious, and principled. They strive
to live up to their high ideals.

How to Get Along with Me

Take your share of the responsibility so I don't end up with all the
work.

Acknowledge my achievements.

I'm hard on myself. Reassure me that I'm fine the way I am.

Tell me that you value my advice.

Be fair and considerate, as I am.

Apologize if you have been unthoughtful. It will help me to forgive.

Gently encourage me to lighten up and to laugh at myself when I get
uptight, but hear my worries first.

What I Like About Being a ONE

being self-disciplined and able to accomplish a great deal

working hard to make the world a better place

having high standards and ethics; not compromising myself

being reasonable, responsible, and dedicated in everything I do

being able to put facts together, coming to good understandings, and
figuring out wise solutions

being the best I can be and bringing out the best in other people

What's Hard About Being a ONE

being disappointed with myself or others when my expectations are not met

feeling burdened by too much responsibility

thinking that what I do is never good enough

not being appreciated for what I do for people

being upset because others aren't trying as hard as I am

obsessing about what I did or what I should do

being tense, anxious, and taking things too seriously

ONEs as Children Often

criticize themselves in anticipation of criticism from others

refrain from doing things that they think might not come out perfect

focus on living up to the expectations of their parents and teachers

are very responsible; may assume the role of parent

hold back negative emotions ("good children aren't angry")

ONEs as Parents

teach their children responsibility and strong moral values

are consistent and fair

discipline firmly

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy

Discover the 9 Types of People

Harper
SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

You liked the test?

so S P R E A D I T ! tell everyone!!!
(use Quick-Paste below)

you wanna know MORE?

so check out, what Wikipedia says about your type...

...even more you'll find in Google

or do you prefer to

You are not completely happy with the result?!

You chose CZ

Would you rather have chosen:

AZ (THREE)

BZ (FIVE)

CX (TWO)

CY (SIX)

Take The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test at HelloQuizzy

Song stuck in my head

2008-11-08T15:51:00.003+08:00

Nearer by Kinnie Starr

Here we go
It's freezing freezing freezing everywhere
I can see it in the eyes
In the sights of the cold stare
I do not care for that glare
As we come near to the sun
Vengance can come
And then we're coming near to the sun
It has begun
Some of the sadness is coming unspawn and
Some minds just heats up the heart
And i won't forget you were with me at the start

But then you fell out, you got the
Hell out from fear my dear before you would hear
What i had to say that was just
Easier that way

But we made it through boy
So, what you gonna do
Knowing that we made it through
Without you? (x4)

And naively i thought we had each other's backs
naively i thought we were on the same track
But the night and fury and jealousy
weird and in the darkness we attacked
Now i'm sad 'cause i know you
Didn't have my back and
Now i'm too weak to pick up that slack and
Now I can not ease trust back
Because my friend i still mend
the sadness you sent
To the base of our backs ***ouch, ouch***
To the base of our backs ***ouch, ouch***
To the base of our backs ***ouch, ouch***
To the base of our backs

But we made it through boy
So, what you gonna do
Knowing that we made it through
Without you? (x4)

And comunity, what does that word really mean?
To me it means where one does well
So do two or three
And i dreamed bigger past you and me
But the knife in my back showed me the real scene
Opportunity to be brave together
Was said by cruel words that were delivered
Now look, look fine you gave up some time ago
So i'll turn to the sunk she already knows
As night arises, no more surprises
'Cause we're coming near to the sun
It has begun
Some of the sadness is coming coming unspawn

We're coming near to the sun
It has begun
Some of the sadness is coming unspawn (x8)

Aiya...i got TAGGED !

2008-10-31T02:05:00.005+08:00

P/S : Ma, if you're reading this. I want you to know that I love you a lot and I hope you would call me and we can talk about this. I was going to talk to you about it, all my life, I've just wanted to be honest with you and I did not mean for you to find out this way.

I've had this up for sometime ( i didnt know you read my blog ) and I thought i would delete it when I found out you did read my blog. But that would defeat the purpose i put it up in the first place. Im so sick of lying to myself and pretending and being unhappy and hurting myself. I told myself I want to be free of that. I want to stop hurting. That was the purpose of this post.

But im worried i might hurt you. Please dont be. This doesnt change anything. Im still your daughter and I love you will all my heart. Please let's just talk k.

Actually I hope you wont ever read this. I'd rather talk to you myself.

Yes Jess I do read your blog, tapi kenapa tag saye? whyyyy? whyyyyy? whyyyyyyyyyy?
( ok enough drama for now ) . Im so suprised im doing this , i must be very very bored.

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. The tagged victims have to come up with eight different points of his/her perfect lover.
2. Have to mention the gender of his/her perfect lover.
3. Tag eight other victims to join this game and leave a comment on their blog.
4. If you are tagged the second time, there’s no need to do this AGAIN.
5. Lastly, most importantly, HAVE. FUN. DOING. IT.

GENDER -Female ( for now) - Im not going to use labels because like a good friend recently said
" Labels are for soupcans, not people"

1. Likes challenges - I'm quite a challenge. Too complex for my own damn good

2. Gives me my space - I can be quite a private person. I will share but you've got to give me time and space.

3. Can hold her ground - I can be a overwhelming and a tad too intense at times. got to be
able to stand her ground against me. (sigh)

4. Likes to be pampered - Lol. yes im a hopeless romantic at times.

5. Witty - should be able to have good conversations. both light and heavy. also should be able to
have a good sense of humour because I'm rather hilarious ( perasan. lol )

6. Gets herself - need to know yourself first before you can know anyone else.

7. Gets me - you've got to at least try baby

8. Naughty naughty - lol. what can i say ? =P

Okay. Calm down people. Breathe breathe. Yes its true. And yes you can ask me about it. If you're happy for me , great. If you dont agree with my lifestyle, its ok , thats your opinion. If you want me to repent and try to save my soul, go fuck yourself cause you probably need one.

It feels good to be out.

I tag : U , you , u , you and yes of course you . You, u and the homophobic dude thats flipping out while reading this as well.

On request by ZACH , i shall tag ZACH and May ~ ! lol ( padan muka zach, it was your idea in the first place )

Emotional flasher?

2008-10-25T02:47:00.004+08:00

A friend of mine called me an emotional flasher. She says I'm all warm on the outside, I let people see what they want to see and when those poor, silly people get lured in, I close up and refuse to let anyone in ( basically "tutup kedai" )

Am I ? I guess I am. So I'm going to say the things I need to say here since I don't know how to say it in person.

To the people I love and cherish ( you know who you are la, no need to mention names),

I just wanted to say thank you. I know I can be difficult, stubborn, mean and cold at times but you still stick by me through everything. I don't say what I actually feel because I don't know how to but still you seem to know every thought and emotion going through me (are you psychic? )

Trust doesn't come easily to me but I trust you with all my heart. I'm not afraid when I'm with you and I can truly be myself. That is indeed a rare occasion. I do not have to worry about being judged on the decisions I make in my life. I can admit my deepest secrets ( which I have never done until recently) and start accepting myself. You have set me free from my self made bonds. Maybe at last I can start healing.

Nonetheless, I do not trust myself. I fear that I might hurt you. That I might turn my self-destructive pattern on you and push you away.When I feel like I care too much I pull away, when I feel threatened I retaliate, when I'm insecure I belittle and when I love someone I try to put them in a box. I hope that never happens. I try very hard everyday to make sure it does not.But if it does, I ask for your forgiveness and your understanding.

Revelations...or are they ?

2008-10-21T15:17:00.001+08:00

It's been a long, long time since I last posted anything significant. Was getting kinda freaked out how everyone was linking my blog. I'm like " oh my gawd ! People are reading, I gotta stop " . I don't know why I have this tendency to not share things with people, especially about myself. Scared of getting hurt ? Maybe. I guess I feel like I'm giving a piece of me away every time I share something about myself, makes me feel more vulnerable, makes me feel like it should only be shared with people I can trust it with. Yes i know I have trust issues. No need to point out stuff I already know. Lol.

But, recently , I've decided I'm going to try to change. I'm going to stop building all these walls around myself. Walls that keep people away and from me being hurt, but also walls that keep people that care about me away. And what about my obsession of controlling everything around me and destroying everything good I have? Well, it wont go away in one night but I'm trying. I am. Promise.

So I've also decided to be content with who I am . I'm now at peace with myself. I no longer hate who and what I am and how I feel. I don't really care anymore about the people who only can judge others but cannot see past their own opinions, ideas and perspectives without taking into account those of others. No! I will not let anyone judge my lifestyle ! Because, well it's my life and I get to do whatever the hell I want with it. You don't get to say what I should or should not feel. ( this sounds like I'm pissed off , well , I'm not. Just very determined )

I also realized that I am a very lucky person. I have almost everything I want right now. I just have to work on trying not to sabotage it.

It was my last GT the other day. Its been a crazy, hectic life I've been living since I was elected president. Heck, it's been crazy since I joined AIESEC. But, I never regretted one second of it. I've had many doubts about myself over the years, but never did I doubt what this awesome organization can do for me( 5 minutes advertisement break ) If you have no idea what I'm talking about go to http://www.aiesec.org/ to check it out.

There were times when I doubted my ability to lead an organization like this .The reality that if we don't do it right this time, there might never be a next time loomed around me all the time. It made feel depressed and scared. Scared that I’m going to fail everyone that trust me to do this. Scared that I would fail my EB team who works so hard. It felt like I was carrying such a heavy burden and I didn't know whether I could put it down.

The last GT washed away all my doubts. I can now breathe a bit more easily. Yes there is a lot to do before my term officially ends. But I don't need to worry anymore because we did right. I did right. Finally.

And I am so amazed and proud of the kids. I guess many of you were waiting for me to cry or something like that. Well I don't cry unless I'm really, really frustrated or depressed. I was neither that day. I was proud and happy. I don't know how to express what I felt that night but I guess proud and happy is an understatement. I was absolutely blown away. I never, in my wildest dreams thought that what I say can make such a big difference in someone else’s life. I still don't know and don't understand why it would but I guess I'm going to be more responsible about the things I say and to whom. The sugar cubes I received mean so much to me! Wahhh ! And the present that I got after was so sweet and thoughtful. I know for a fact that I'm the luckiest LCP in Malaysia to have such a great bunch of kids !

So, yes, I didn't cry. Not because I didn't appreciate it but because I was too overwhelmed. I didn't cry because I know that despite it being almost the end of my term , it is a new beginning for AIESEC in USM. A beginning to an awesome future and I know it is in good hands. Maybe even better than mine.

I feel so loved and I'm lucky to have all these people in my life (of course not forgetting my brother and mother).But sometimes, I still feel alone. Like I need to walk through this alone, doomed to never fully able to understand and love another. I feel empty inside. Why can I feel for everyone else except for myself? Am I cold and unfeeling? I don't know, not yet. Maybe the first step is to stop trying to solve the mystery of life and just concentrate on living it every day.

HelloQuizzy.com has got me all figured out ! lol

2008-09-19T22:14:00.001+08:00

Your result for The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test...

Pure Geek

48 % Nerd, 65% Geek, 48% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.

A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.

A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored better than half in Geek, earning you the title of: Pure Geek.

It's not that you're a school junkie, like the nerd, and you don't really stand out in a crowd, like the dork, you just have some interests that aren't quite mainstream. Perhaps it's anime, perhaps it's computers, perhaps it's bottlecaps, perhaps it's all of those and more. Your interests take you to events and gatherings that are filled with people you find unusual and beyond-the-pale, but you don't quite consider yourself "of that crowd." Instead, you consider yourself to be fairly normal.

Which, you are.

Congratulations! You're the one on the RIGHT!

Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in any of the following:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Professional Wrestling

Love & Sexuality

America/Politics

Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

Take The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test at HelloQuizzy

Haha..so true ! =P

2008-09-19T22:14:00.000+08:00

Your result for The Personality Defect Test...

Hand-Raiser

You are 71% Rational, 57% Extroverted, 14% Brutal, and 0% Arrogant.

You are the Hand-Raiser, that annoying kid in class who always had an answer for everything. No doubt, as a child you probably sat in the front of the class, anxiously waving your hand back and forth in the air while your teacher desperately tried to avoid calling on you because you were the ONLY fucking kid that answered her questions. Clearly, the key traits of your personality are your rationality and your extroversion. You are like a little talkative calculator, in other words. You also tend to be rather gentle and less arrogant than most people. Your presence is a bane to everyone's existence, because you are too nice for your own good and you absolutely will not shut up. So what is your defect, then? Well, you're boring, and when you're not boring, you are just plain annoying with your ultra-logical responses and constant need to talk to others. So keep waving that hand in the air, son. I'm still not calling on you. You are too logical, you talk too much, and your humility and gentleness only makes me hate you more, because they make me feel like I almost SHOULDN'T hate you. But I do. Big time. And by the way, the more you wave your hand in class--your extended hand becoming nothing more than a blur as you insanely wave it, thinking we can't see it--the more smug satisfaction the teacher takes in watching the look of excrutiating pain cross your face as you agonize over not being called on, and the longer we'll wait to call on you, just because we absolutely love torturing you so.

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive.

2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.

3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.

4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.

Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Brute.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Braggart, the Haughty Intellectual, and the Robot.

If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

The other personality types:

The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

Be sure to take my Sublime Philosophical Crap Test if you are interested in taking a slightly more intellectual test that has just as many insane ramblings as this one does!

About Saint_Gasoline

I am a self-proclaimed pseudo-intellectual who loves dashes. I enjoy science, philosophy, and fart jokes and water balloons, not necessarily in that order. I spend 95% of my time online, and the other 5% of my time in the bathroom, longing to get back on the computer. If, God forbid, you somehow find me amusing instead of crass and annoying, be sure to check out my blog and my webcomic at SaintGasoline.com.

Take The Personality Defect Test at HelloQuizzy

Since everyone is complaining about my lack of posts.....nah la....i malas to write =P

2008-08-27T09:58:00.001+08:00

Your result for Tarot Card Guide Test...

YOUR GUIDE IS THE HANGED MAN

“There are three secrets to managing. The first secret is have patience. The second is be patient. And the third most important secret is patience.” --- Chuck Tanner

Sometimes we need to see the world from a new perspective. The hanged man has no conscious thought of why, but he climbs a branch and dangles upside down like a child, giving up for a moment, all that he is, wants, knows or cares about. Coins fall from his pockets and as he gazes down on them - seeing them not as money but only as round bits of metal - everything suddenly changes perspective. It is as if he's hanging between the mundane world and the spiritual world, able to see both. It is a dazzling moment, dreamlike yet crystal clear. Connections he never understood before are made, mysteries are revealed. But timeless as this moment of clarity seems, he realizes that it will not last. Very soon, he must right himself, and when he does, things will be different. He will have to act on what he's learned.

The Hanged Man is perhaps the most fascinating card in the deck. It reflects the story of Odin who offered himself as a sacrifice in order to gain knowledge. Hanging from the world tree, wounded by a spear, given no bread or mead, he hung for nine days. On the last day, he saw on the ground runes that had fallen from the tree, understood their meaning, and, coming down, scooped them up for his own. All knowledge is to be found in these runes.

The Hanged Man, in similar fashion, is a card about suspension, not life or death. This is a time of trial or meditation, selflessness, sacrifice, prophecy. If he is your guide, you must stop resisting change, and allow yourself to be vulnerable and naive, sacrifice your perspective and begin to gain illumination. Answers that eluded you before will become clear, and solutions to your problems will be found. Learn to see the world from a viewpoint other than your own. This card can also imply a time when everything just stands still, a time of rest and reflection before moving on. Things will continue on in a moment, but for now, they float, timeless.

TAKE MY TEST:OTHER WHAT COLOR ARE YOU? THE COLOR TEST.

http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/the-color-code-test

Take Tarot Card Guide Test at HelloQuizzy

Metamorphosis

2008-04-13T21:30:00.003+08:00

Bye-bye to all the EXCUSES and to the OLD ME ! Good Riddance !

"Excuses"

Why no one will help me
I am too dumb I am too smart
They'll not understand me
I am lonely
They'll hate me
And there is not enough time
It's too hard to help me
And god wants me to work
No resting no lazy

These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They've kept me stuck
They've kept me locked in my own cell

I'm too far from home
It takes far too much energy
And I cannot afford to
No one will ever see me

These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They've kept me stuck
They've kept me locked in my own cell

These excuses how they're so familiar
They've kept me blocked
They've kept me small
They've kept me safe in my own shell

Bringing this into the light
Shakes their foundation
And it clears my side
Now my imagination
Is the only thing that limits
The bar that is raised to the heights

No one can have it all see
I have to they want me to
And I can't let them down
I'll never be happy

These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They've kept me stuck
They've kept me locked in my own cell

These excuses how they're so familiar
They've kept me blocked
They've kept me small
They've kept me locked in my own cell